I just received a telephone solicitation from Goldman Sucks making me want to invest immediately. Fortunately, I saved it, and you can have the same opportunity.
"My name is Fleece Torme, and I am with the international investment firm of Goldman Sucks. I'm sure you have heard about all the billions of dollars we have made for our clients, such as the government of Greece, and all the American banks who purchased the high caliber gilt-edged, fully-collateralized, insured and guaranteed investment instruments. Did you personally make a million or billion on them?
No? Well, now is your chance. Your profit is limited only by your lack of greed. We here at Goldman Sucks approve of greed. It drives our sense of ethics. Greed is good.
Jot down on a piece of paper the number for the maximum amount of cash you could put your hands on. Be sure to add whatever you can borrow from your parents, siblings or children. Add all your college and retirement funds. Now, whatever that number is, you need to simulate investment returns. We are specializing here in imaginary derivatives, so the next step is very important.
Multiply that number by 10. That is average investing.
Multiply that number by 100. That is what other Wall Street firms will offer you.
Multiply that number by 1,000. Now we're talking about how Goldman Sucks for you.
This is how much you might have in your account in just a few months. This is how well I, Fleece Torme, and my boss Barney Blankbine have done. Your future is limited only by your level of greed (and ignorance) and your confidence in Goldman Sucks. When you invest with us, you will hear a slight whistling sound. This famous sound had been heard all over the world. It is our firm sucking money out of other pockets into ours! Surely, you want to join in this great investment opportunity, don't you?
Now, how much can you put your hands on?"
Note: This presentation has been compliance and ethics approved by Mary Schapiro, former head of FINRA. Mary was responsible for monitoring the performance of Bernie Madoff and Allen Stanford. Now she is the head of the SEC and on the cover of Time Magazine.
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